It was my father, not my mother,
who told me, about the time I hit puberty, to avoid walking alone at night, but never to
get into a boy’s car unless I had a friend with me. It was my father who used to carefully put
the fear of Dad into the boys I dated.
It was my father who warned me “boys are only after one thing – and I speak
from experience.” He gave me tips and tricks for not getting “hurt” while I was out – a word we both understood
was euphemism for “raped” - tricks like to
be sure to carry my keys in my hand on
the way to the car, or from the taxi or to hold on to an atomiser, because
spraying perfume into a man’s face will
hurt his eyes long enough to give me time to run away. It was my father who told me “You aren't going out dressed like
that”. It was my father and my
grandfather who didn't take me to certain places because the language and
atmosphere was such that I’d be likely to be leered at or catcalled, and my
father who’d tell different jokes to me and my mother than those he’d tell to
his mates and was incredibly embarrassed if I should overhear the kind of jokes
he’d tell them. It was a man who started
the woman’s self-defence class when I was a student. It was
men, far more than women, who deliberately taught me that I should fear men. I
suspect fathers are still telling their daughters the same things, still
warning boys about the dangers of damaging their little princesses, still steering
clear of testosterone-heavy venues when with their womenfolk, etc. etc.
etc.
So, I know that men know that
rape culture exists, because they try to protect their daughters, sisters,
wives and so on from it, and yet whenever we label it such, an awful lot of the
very same men shy away from the term, and often reject it strenuously. They start to talk defensively about the fact
that men get raped too (we know, we empathise.
It doesn't negate the fact that rape culture exists). They say that some women file false rape
allegations (we know, and we condemn them for doing so. That doesn't change the fact that many women
are raped, and only a relatively small proportion of rapes are prosecuted at
all, let alone lead to a conviction because rape culture exists.) They
say that not all men rape, grope, cat call, victim blame, use misogynistic
rhetoric (we know that too. However, enough men do one or more of these things
enough that most – many say all - of us
have experienced some form of uninvited and unwelcome sexually loaded attention
from a man at some time in our lives: we've been on the receiving end of rape
culture.)
The other thing they do in their
defensiveness is basically say that anyone who calls rape culture out is
disempowering women and making them victims – generally they say that we are
doing it to ourselves. They accuse us of
stereotyping if we suggest that from the perspective of a woman, every man is a
potential rapist. Now, I would agree, I
don’t walk in constant fear of men, nor
does any woman I know. I do tend to walk
in constant vigilance and treat men with cautious reserve though.
Dad told me I should.
